Introduction
- Generic introduction part NEW: Visual: PHILIPP TUNK sits at his desk. He is wearing a tie but no jacket, looking like he’s trying to pass a job interview for a job he doesn’t want. He stares unblinkingly at the lens.
Music: A 3-second burst of “Epic Orchestral” music that cuts out abruptly into silence.
NARRATOR (PHILIPP TUNK): “Hello. I’m Philipp Tunk. Welcome back to Sirratal: The Lonely Nation. Sirratal is a mysterious valley in Europe that decided to stop being part of the world, much like my Aunt Helga did when she moved into her garden shed in 2014.
The people here lived in total isolation for centuries, with no internet, no VEU, and presumably, no one to tell them their haircuts were out of style. They’re all gone now, which is sad for them, but great for me, because it means I can poke around their stuff without getting arrested.
Today, we’re looking at another piece of their very strange, very moist history.”
Visual: A quick, 2-second drone sweep of the valley with the title “Sirratal: The Lonely Nation” in a font that looks slightly too futuristic for the video quality.
The Documentary Part
Part 1: Crude stones and Grapes
(Visual: Tunk at his desk, staring intensely. He holds up a print-out of the brutalist chateau.)
NARRATOR (PHILIPP TUNK): “This is Chateau Liraux. Most wineries look like a place where a posh person would go to have an affair, but this is ‘Brutalist.’ It’s made of crude stones, the stuff they use for pavements and in some places to punish people for severe crime, but here it was used to keep grapes in the dark until they turned into alcohol. It’s basically a bunker for booze. Its slogan was ‘A Drop of Sun,’ not sure why, considering the building looks like it was designed to survive a nuclear winter.”
(Visual: Close-up of the “Single Tower” trademark. Text overlay: BRUTALIST BOOZE)
NARRATOR (PHILIPP TUNK): “It was founded in 75 AF—which stands for ‘After the Flood,’ the time when everything and everyone on Earth was very wet. It lasted for 813 years. That’s longer than most things, including the Roman Empire and the shelf life of a medium-sized yogurt.”
Part 2: The Sacred Slosh (Interview)
(Visual: Tunk turns 45 degrees to face a laptop screen where a confused Dr. Vance is visible.)
INTERVIEWER (PHILIPP TUNK): “Dr. Vance, Chateau Liraux made a wine called ‘Aderlass,’ which means ‘Bloodletting.’ Why would you name a drink after a terrifying medieval medical procedure? Was it because it tasted like pennies, or did it just give you a really aggressive headache?”
INTERVIEWEE (DR. ELIAS VANCE): “Actually, Mr. Tunk, it was a ceremonial wine. It was exclusive to the Church—the Ecclesia Aeterni Fons. They saw the red wine as a symbolic representation of the life-force of the valley. It wasn’t actually meant to be medical.”
INTERVIEWER (PHILIPP TUNK): “So the priests drank ‘Blood’ while the poor people drank ‘Morillon,’ which sounds like something you’d use to insulate a loft, but actually means ‘Chardonnay’ in some weird antique Austrian-German. Was there a war between the wine people and the beer people? Because I’ve seen what happens when a stag do meets a wine tasting, and it’s basically the end of civilization.”
Part 3: The Vintage of Nowhere
(Visual: Tunk holding a picture of the 2525 vintage bottle. He looks at it with genuine suspicion.)
NARRATOR (PHILIPP TUNK): “These bottles were found in the Sirr’Wall Mansion. They are from the year 2525. That’s a very old for wine. Usually, if you find something that old in a cellar, it’s just vinegar with ideas above its station. But in Sirratal, this was luxury and back then not 500 years old.
The winery was so close to the government that the local resistance refused to drink it. They preferred to stay sober and angry, which is a terrible way to start a revolution. It just goes to show that in the Sirratal, even your choice of grape was a political statement. My Aunt Helga says it’s exactly like choosing which supermarket to shop at—if you go to the wrong one, you’re basically a traitor to the working class, but if you go to the right one, the organic kale is three times the price and gives you the same amount of diarrhea.”
(Visual: Tunk stares into the camera for three seconds of awkward silence. Fade to the title card: SIRRATAL: THE LONELY NATION.)